Thursday, April 24, 2008

There is the most amazing gift ...

Of love, friendship and incredible support that exists all around me. I have had a few calls from close family who are aware of things. I have been inundated with emails from you all, my blog buddies, strangers yet not so. That is always funny that is. Not humourus funny but unusual funny. Feeling close to people, developing an interest in their lives and outcomes, intimate and yet I have only met a handful of the bloggers who communicate with me. Yet there has been no shortcoming of non-intrusive support and understanding.
I think to myself of this as 'blog etiquette' - say only NICE things, find the good and reflect it back. Softly and carefully give feedback if necessary but always positive, uplifting and even knee-slapping humour is encouraged. At least that's how I operate. I have had blog friends receive negative comments and I don't understand it. It can be very debilitating. I figure anyone who connects with me will not be crappy and likewise, I don't have any crappy blogs that I frequent either. I have not had one bad comment since I started my blog back in January. Sometimes it is really challenging to be so transparent, to be honest and bare all. I know I often cringe at what I reveal, yet I bite the bullet trusting that someone somewhere will relate, maybe be inspired themselves or have a inspiring thought to share too. It makes me vulnerable and I guess if I had a bad experience I might think twice about it all.
Slowly the shock is easing regarding my situation, oh so slowly. I see on the horizon a glimmer of resignation - of what solution yet I do not know. Lots of offers for the life inside me but I sit here waiting for my husband and I to form one mind over this. That is my sole focus for now. Unity with my husband. It is a good focus. It forces me to be gentle and quieten the indignant, frustrated woman who's kicking and screaming inside. She hasn't gone away, she's just shutting up so that there is room for my close ones, my husband and sons to express their thoughts too.
I do have faith and I know so many of you are praying. I do believe that God holds the whole situation in His capable hands. My job is to listen. Isn't that so much easier than scrambling around trying to fix things? I find it is anyway.
"Be still and Know" is one of my favourite verses in the bible.
This is terrible in some ways. So many people in the world with genuine issues and here I am bleating on about something that is more inconvenient than anything.
I have a friend who has scarring from severe burning over a majority of her body. It was caused when her brothers accidentally set her alight as a child. There is an advert on tv at the moment where a woman is promoting a blemish cream, she talks about her life-changing mark which is a mere speck above her eyebrow. It is so tiny you can't actually see anything. My friend and I want to puke when we see it. It's all relative isn't it?
I have walked the beach with my boys and spend a lot of time resting and reading at the moment. Today was my first real day out of bed due to morning sickness (who called it 'morning'?) If I get a moment when I can get up, I spend it completely with my boys who are on term break. They are troopers. They cooked their own eggs and spaghetti on toast yesterday for lunch. Food is a no-go zone for me at the moment.
Can you tell art is not my focus for now? I have been grateful just being able to hold my food down and being able to sleep a lot. That is about it. That and my family.
Tonight we prepare for the arrival of my mother-in-law, my husband's brother, wife and three kids. It will be a squeeze but it will be wonderful to have the others around to bring some more happy noise into this house. Chase out the other funny atmosphere that is lurking around this home. Bring on the island food and laughs and chatter. The ukelele and guitars, Nanny doing the hula in the lounge with her moko's, the talks that go into the night and the buzz of a family come to tour Wellington, our city of which we are most proud.
Again, I want to thank you all for your flood of emails and rsponses, all sensitive and some with stories to share. I appreciate that the people who come here share the same understanding about blogs and it has opened up things for me I had never considered before. I have friends now from all over the world. And yes, you are friends. Friends I have yet to meet.


Anonymous said...

No matter what decision you make - your life is changed forever and the life of those around you - born and unborn. Every decision you make has infinite implications.
I find that so hard - thinking all is well and going good and then BAM something happens that will set you on a differnt journey and its out of control! The storms are hard - grip on with all your might!

Willnnabel said...


I found myself in a "similar' Situation years ago when at age 32 I found myself pregnant with a unplanned (unwanted) pregnancy. I had my other two children in school full time and saw what I felt was a "light at the end of the tunnel". I love my children, but was ready to start doing things I wanted/planned. I cried, grieved, for what I thought I would have to give up and the work ahead. Well here it is 18 years later, and she is graduating. Am I glad I did it, went through had her, kept her? Yeah, I would say I am. Would I do it over if I had a chance to change it? No. It is done though, we cannot go back and change what has happened. So, what "pearls" can I share? Try to live in the "now", it will be okay and you will get through and if your lucky (and it sounds like you are) your husband the older family members will all help, and it will work out. Right now it seems overwhelming and let's face it the hormones, sickness, are not helping. I was told (often) how I should be so thankful,how having another child would keep me young. Again I would say "NO"(and if anyone dares to tell you this, slap them once for me). Only you can know what will work for you, I just want you to know that there are others who have been there, and understand a bit of what you are going thru.

AlamoFood said...

I am 39 and 5 months pregnant. This is my third child and I am constantly feeling sick. I have good days but for most I feel drained of energy and sick. Add worries of how to deal with three children under 5 and scary statistics that come with age. I am anxious 24/7. I worry how will I deal with a 2 1/2 year old who doesn't listen and a new born. I go over and over situations where the 2 1/2 runs to the street and me behind her carrying a new born unable to catch her.
I do not feel ready to say the least. I dream about the day I will be able to pick up myself and go wherever I need. No snack or formula packing. No timing so they can have a nap and me take a breather. And I am starting all over again!
Having said that... I don't think I could live without any of my children. I laugh so much everyday looking at them performing for me. Only me. Yes, I worry so much and I am not looking forward to sleepless nights and sterilizing bottles.
But as my husband tells me every time I complain that I have no energy or I am nauseated "But look at them and tell me is it not worth it?" I must admit it is worth it.
You must feel overwhelmed right now. I do. And hormones do not help. But I know you will be fine. I have faith we will do just fine.

Jewelry Rockstar said...

Wow reading this is interesting... I think about having a third child all the time, but I never want to give up the years I've invested toward the end of the tunnel. Gives you something to think about:0