Monday, April 21, 2008

What I am doing ...

I am listening to ... Hinemoana Baker http://www.hinemoana.co.nz/
I am viewing ... Nina Bagley http://ornamental.typepad.com/
I am soaking in ... Mary Oliver http://www.poemhunter.com/mary-oliver/

My house is unusually quiet. The weather has turned cold. My husband flies north tomorrow to Auckland city. My boys and I may just don coats and walk along the beach seeking out treasures like heartstones and so forth. My mother sent me a parcel that arrived Saturday (thanks mum) which contained lots of goodies for Aunty Martha and a few bits and pieces for me. Today I spent the day with my friend Chrissie. She is a single mum with four children, two under three. Her home is so orderly and calm, the children happy and vibrant, and she still managed to feed our family and offer me a place of tranquility and peace. She loves the baby-stage but understands that I feel so very differently.
My husband and eldest son are very very quiet for now. They are hurt that I don't feel the way they do. I spent today trying to comfort them and allow them their feelings. Tears are flowing in this home too easily. They are not attacking me but trying to come to terms with what may happen. There is no easy answer, there is no win-win solution yet that has presented itself. I understand this. I am trying so very hard to make the best of this for everyone. We are all trying very hard.
I know I have made my bed and that I shouldn't be in this position at all. I could have taken precautions. However that was then and this is now. I do not believe any person born is a mistake and that nothing happens in this world without a purpose. Somewhere I believe a woman is crying out to God for a child and I am a woman with a pregnancy who feels she has already raised her two children and does not want to revisit this chapter in my life.
Tonight I read my favourite poet, visited one of my favourite peeps Nina, and listened to the sweet sounds of our dear talented Hinemoana. Time out from the responsibility and intense thinking. Time to ease back into the flavour of my life. I need this. It helps ground me. So did praying with my children tonight. They are so precious, I cannot pour enough of me into them and yet still, I feel so guilty and lacking as a mum. It is the angst of motherhood, no matter how much I do for them, still I feel I could do more.
Do not fret, I am grounded right now. I fret for my family, for their pain and for a solution that will come that will leave me with a peace in my heart, in all our hearts.

3 comments:

Jacky said...

This is such a personal thing for you, it is your body, you are the one who is going to have to look after the baby. But what a predicament you poor thing. Where are you going to take Nina while she is in New Zealand she is such a lovely lady, you will enjoy her company.

Kelly S. said...

Dear Ahipara Girl,

I found your blog a couple of weeks ago and have been retro reading it a little at a time when my 2 year old gives me a chance.

I will be praying for you at this present event in your life. I have never been pregnant (not by choice) and cannot image what all you are going through. During my infertility treatments I did have a bout with the hormone stuff. At that time I also had a kidney stone. I went to the hospital and they removed a small rock. Most women have a baby with infertility treatment, but I had a rock. (tee hee! I can laugh about it now)

Have you been watching Oprah and her series on, "Awakening to your life's purpose?". I have been finding it very enlightening.

It hardly seems fair I know so much about you through your blog. I invite you over to our blog so that you can get to know us. I am an artist too, but this blog deals mostly with our little girl and the few family and friends that we invite to the site: http://kellysblahblah.blogspot.com/

May you find peace.
Sparkly Wishes!
Juliet

kiwicarole said...

I would like to drive down and give you a big hug! You need some understanding non judgemental arms to comfort you and tell you that you know what is right for you. That it will work itself out,.... but it's a big issue. Although I am a little older than you, I have often thought about the consequences should this happen to me and I realise that I have become quite self centred, not in a bad way, but you spend so much of your time and energy and love on your children, that as they get older and more independant you cherish the time you spend doing things for yourself and growing as an individual.
Seek your mum, or aunty, they will love you unconditionally, no matter your decision. Their advice will be worth listening to. Big hug, carole