I am listening to ... Hinemoana Baker http://www.hinemoana.co.nz/
I am viewing ... Nina Bagley http://ornamental.typepad.com/
I am soaking in ... Mary Oliver http://www.poemhunter.com/mary-oliver/
My house is unusually quiet. The weather has turned cold. My husband flies north tomorrow to Auckland city. My boys and I may just don coats and walk along the beach seeking out treasures like heartstones and so forth. My mother sent me a parcel that arrived Saturday (thanks mum) which contained lots of goodies for Aunty Martha and a few bits and pieces for me. Today I spent the day with my friend Chrissie. She is a single mum with four children, two under three. Her home is so orderly and calm, the children happy and vibrant, and she still managed to feed our family and offer me a place of tranquility and peace. She loves the baby-stage but understands that I feel so very differently.
My husband and eldest son are very very quiet for now. They are hurt that I don't feel the way they do. I spent today trying to comfort them and allow them their feelings. Tears are flowing in this home too easily. They are not attacking me but trying to come to terms with what may happen. There is no easy answer, there is no win-win solution yet that has presented itself. I understand this. I am trying so very hard to make the best of this for everyone. We are all trying very hard.
I know I have made my bed and that I shouldn't be in this position at all. I could have taken precautions. However that was then and this is now. I do not believe any person born is a mistake and that nothing happens in this world without a purpose. Somewhere I believe a woman is crying out to God for a child and I am a woman with a pregnancy who feels she has already raised her two children and does not want to revisit this chapter in my life.
Tonight I read my favourite poet, visited one of my favourite peeps Nina, and listened to the sweet sounds of our dear talented Hinemoana. Time out from the responsibility and intense thinking. Time to ease back into the flavour of my life. I need this. It helps ground me. So did praying with my children tonight. They are so precious, I cannot pour enough of me into them and yet still, I feel so guilty and lacking as a mum. It is the angst of motherhood, no matter how much I do for them, still I feel I could do more.
Do not fret, I am grounded right now. I fret for my family, for their pain and for a solution that will come that will leave me with a peace in my heart, in all our hearts.