Oh boy, am I tired. I have been in bed sporadically since last Saturday. I don't know what's wrong, I just know I feel unwell in my spirit and body. I have big assignments due this week and have dragged myself to the computer for a few hours every day when I can. My gorgeous husband is incredible - cooking, organising the boys and taking care of me.
Part of me wonders if it might be a case of depression. I suffered from it chronically after the birth of my first son however I can say it was present right from my childhood.
I haven't had many issues with it over the last few years andI think that being a part of a church was helpful during this time. It kept me focused on positive things and I do miss that. Being surrounded by people who care and support. However the politics of it meant that it became too complicated. Too many rules, unspoken ones. If you are a bit left-wing like me, a bit bohemian and independent, then all that judgemental stuff gets too hard to swallow.
It could be hormonal. I don't know. I don't feel unwell enough to go the doctor. I am one of those who hates going unless I am really sick. However if this malaise doesn't lift by the end of the week I am booking an appointment. If a course of Prozac will help, then what the hell! It sure would be better than this lethargy I am fighting.
We are on mid-term break next week for two weeks, so I will take a break from art and hard thinking. Our whanau are coming to stay. I have my sewing to keep my hands busy. I think a few days of dvd's and movies with the kids might hit the spot, as well as some nature walks. Main thing is NO STRESS and lots of lovely self-care for me and the kids.
Today I had to pick up the kids from school and took them to the local mall to buy them new school bags as their old one's from Uncle Sean last year finally gave up the ghost.
While in the shopping centre, a gang of teenagers came into the shop. I say gang, cause they were looking for trouble and some were sporting Mongrel Mob colours. The Asian ladies serving starting yelling at them to leave. I grabbed my kids and hustled them into the back corner of the store where they were safe.
One young man refused to come out from behind the counter. "They want to give me a hiding, they will kill me", he said. The shopkeeper didn't want trouble "It's none of my business, you have to leave."
I told him to hang on a minute and asked the shopkeeper to look after my kids. I went outside to confront the group and make sure the young boy was ok.
Here is some of our dialogue.
Group: "He gave my brother a hiding. I want to kill him. He deserves it."
Boy: "They will kill me if I leave the shop. I can't ring my parents, I live in a fosterhome and don't know the number."
It took about twenty minutes to sort out, but eventually the group went it's way as I faced them down and confronted them with:
"You wouldn't do this if your mothers were here. You were all in church on Sunday, this isn't what it's all about. (Pacific Islanders are in general a church-going culture). You need to go to the police or your adults to sort this out properly. Don't be an egg as well. I will call the police right now if you don't leave."
To the boy, I felt for him. At 14, I too was in a State fosterhome. A young woman called 'Mikey' used to stand outside the high school in Mangere and wait for me to give me a hiding (the bash). I had a smart mouth and had offended her, so she was out to get me. When I told my fosterparents they said "Good job, you deserve it." I was so scared and knew no one would help me out. I spent months avoiding her. Walking home extra miles just to avoid getting bashed and then getting in trouble because I was late home.
I spent a bit of time yacking with him. I asked him why he wore gang colours, where did he think that would lead him and I promised him that if he made better decisions, life would turn out better for him. I saved him this time but I wouldn't be there next time. I saw the person, not the situation, not his armour, not his problems.
Gang-related fights and college wars break out all the time in my town. This is a scary neighbourhood sometimes and I fear for my kids. However so much is dependent on a kid's home life. If my home had been more secure, I would have been more secure in myself. I wouldn't have needed to find my security in the identity of gangs and bad heads. I made so many bad decisions myself as a result all the way into my 20's. I just wanted to be liked, to be admired and to gather people around me. That is a sad period of my life.
People tend to walk by. I understand. Why look for trouble? But my life has been saved many times because someone cared enough to put themselves out for me. Someone saw behind my staunch exterior and did what was right, even when it cost them personally.
I have walked by drunken fights, stupid fights, etc because then people are just venting. But when it's a sinister one or like today a whole gang on one young man, then that's different. I felt my spirit rise and if there is one thing I cannot stand, it's injustice.
I hope my sons learned something today. They know we have their backs! We are so there for our boys. God willing, I pray it will always be so and that the worse thing they will complain of one day is that they were bored sometimes and didn't go to the skate park as often as they liked!