I am pregnant. That is my news. Sorry no photos because I don't feel particularly visual at the moment. I have a lot swirling around inside me. It explains the moods swings and the tiredness that's seeped right into my bones. My family are all happy but me, I am very ambivalent. I am not prepared for another child. I am writing a new chapter in my life and it doesn't include another person I am responsible for. That sounds cold. I know. Callous even. It is my truth for now.
I am 37. My youngest has just started school, my eldest is starting college in two years. I am not ready for diapers, prams, sleepless nights, carrying someone around for a year or so until they walk, the demanding crying nature of a baby. I just cannot go back there. It is very difficult. A termination is out of the question. However adoption is very much an option for me to a couple who are Christian, have one adopted baby already and are looking for their second perhaps. My eldest son and my husband however very much want this child, have already formed an attachment. I am in a predicament of sorts.
This is very much a time of prayer and meditation for me to do the right thing. To keep the child will require a change of perspective and heart. I am not holding my breath. I like my life now. I love the two children I have. I want us to continue as before. Already I feel intruded upon, invaded as I wade through morning sickness, constantly yawning and falling asleep, and ongoing nausea.
This was like my first pregnancy. I was physically so ill it drained me, plus I was in shock. My second child was planned and I was really excited and prepared when he turned up. But this person has snuck in, blowing open my world for now and challenging me to dig deep, to come to the best possible conclusion for all.
Please share your experiences with me, if you know what I am talking about. I am surrounded by women who love babies, is there anyone like me, for whom the world doesn't move when they are pregnant? It certainly isn't the most popular stance especially as a woman. All my friends congratulate me but really they are just grateful it isn't them.