Sunday, April 20, 2008

The News

I am pregnant. That is my news. Sorry no photos because I don't feel particularly visual at the moment. I have a lot swirling around inside me. It explains the moods swings and the tiredness that's seeped right into my bones. My family are all happy but me, I am very ambivalent. I am not prepared for another child. I am writing a new chapter in my life and it doesn't include another person I am responsible for. That sounds cold. I know. Callous even. It is my truth for now.
I am 37. My youngest has just started school, my eldest is starting college in two years. I am not ready for diapers, prams, sleepless nights, carrying someone around for a year or so until they walk, the demanding crying nature of a baby. I just cannot go back there. It is very difficult. A termination is out of the question. However adoption is very much an option for me to a couple who are Christian, have one adopted baby already and are looking for their second perhaps. My eldest son and my husband however very much want this child, have already formed an attachment. I am in a predicament of sorts.
This is very much a time of prayer and meditation for me to do the right thing. To keep the child will require a change of perspective and heart. I am not holding my breath. I like my life now. I love the two children I have. I want us to continue as before. Already I feel intruded upon, invaded as I wade through morning sickness, constantly yawning and falling asleep, and ongoing nausea.
This was like my first pregnancy. I was physically so ill it drained me, plus I was in shock. My second child was planned and I was really excited and prepared when he turned up. But this person has snuck in, blowing open my world for now and challenging me to dig deep, to come to the best possible conclusion for all.
Please share your experiences with me, if you know what I am talking about. I am surrounded by women who love babies, is there anyone like me, for whom the world doesn't move when they are pregnant? It certainly isn't the most popular stance especially as a woman. All my friends congratulate me but really they are just grateful it isn't them.


showyourworkings said...

Goodness, that's so hard. I feel the same way. I'm very happy with my two and really don't want any more. I feel like I've only just started to get my life back. I hope you can find a way through so everyone can feel alright. Open adoption is far more commonplace now, the child can still play a part in your life

Ring around the moon said...

It is so hard when you have conflicting feelings! All I know is that you will go through so many emotions and in the end you just need to listen to your will know what to do. I know how you feel when you are now getting your life back and then suddenly it is all thrown off course! Just go slowly and don't rush into anything. I am 38 and part of me feels like having another baby but I, like you, are just getting my life back too with my twins off to school and Gabriel my little darling is doing really well.It would totally change my life and until you are in that situation you have no idea of knowing how you will feel...take care and keep strong.

Heather, said...

I just happened upon your blog through Nina's and I have just been sitting here reading and thinking and rereading and am just in awe with your way with words and how you walk so confidently around your understanding of who you are.

I was diagnosed at 21 with premature menopause...never to have children...ha! at 23 I was pregnant with what could best be described as a miracle of the universe defying science, BUT I had already decided on a different life by then and even though I kept my beautiful boy and found a life that I had ONCE dreamed of, it has always been a guilty battle between knowing where I would have gone, what I would have done, who I would have been and loving this little being that was given to me unexpectedly. Even to this day, 15 years later, I mourn the life that I was ready for even while fiercely loving my boy.

I'm not sure that sharing this with you, a stranger across time and space, will help at all, but I just felt compelled nonetheless.

I hope for you the solution that will bring peace to your heart.